Just fell off a train. Bad.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
