I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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