oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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