And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
sarcasm needs its own font
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
