Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
