woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize