my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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