There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
