I'm sorry my penis didn't work
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
