Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
