He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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