ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Randomize
