I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
