I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
