Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We had to coat check the pizza.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
