You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
