My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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