I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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