I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
