I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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