Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize