And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
