did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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