my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
