I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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