So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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