My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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