Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
