The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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