Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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