Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
