I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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