Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
