The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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