Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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