Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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