So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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