I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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