dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize