apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize