Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
