dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
