Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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