literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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