You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize