I wish my penis had an off switch
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
