Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
