He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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