I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
