The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
