mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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