im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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