shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
