So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
