Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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