i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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