you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
