Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
