I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize