I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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