i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
