How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
