Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
