Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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