she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
