so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
FUCK WHALES
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
