just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
