turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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